Thanks for the Creativity

First let me say I appreciate how creative, funny and thoughtful you all are!! Your responses were great and it really made it difficult to pick winners. 

And now the moment we've been waiting for, the winners of the FREE BOOK:

Mike Hay: Newsflash…further evdence of the credit crunch hitting the high street, even the mannequins are having to queue up for work…

Jose: These women represent not only women but humanity. Everyone tries hard to follow each other in the quest to be like each other…..beautiful, broken, etc….we all end up in the same line up in the end.

Steven Williamson: First, keep in mind that each of these are highly educated and sensitive girls that are standing in line to audition for remakes of the Robert Palmer videos of “Addicted to Love” and “Simply Irresistible.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3geoXOdnJQ

Ernie Baker: Republican hopefuls line up to interview to be Sarah Palin’s running mate in 2012. Said one, “I’d give my left arm to be VP!”

Zach Butts: "Jenny stood in the back of the line for the audition wondering if she had over-dressed."

Mannequins

  I spent this last summer in NYC taking care of my father after his four week hospitalization. To prevent him from driving, I would take him to work. Yes at 90 he works. He loves work. Work is who he is. Work is how he survived three concentration camps. He is an organizer. Even in the ghetto he went from a lowly laborer to the head of a factory in just a few months.  He came to this country with nothing and eventually opened up one of the biggest nightclubs in NYC that was right at the center of the disco craze in the early 70's. Now for fun, he manages a commercial office building with 7 retail stores on the ground floor and three more floors of offices for his former partner in the disco business. 

After dropping him off in the Bronx I would drive to one of the few Starbucks locations nearby. Along the way I passed these mannequins. I thought they would make for interesting pictures so I brought my camera the next day. Unfortunately the mannequins were gone. The following day they were still not to be seen. However, persistence and an addiction to Starbucks paid off in the end and there they were, lined up again. 

I found them very thought provoking, which is why I decided to share them with you. 

I thought of generalizations.

I thought of women chained to the world of fashion. Chained to body image types. (see the picture of chains on their legs)

I wondered what mannequins would be lining up to see? Maybe the latest fashions they'll be wearing this year?

Or perhaps they were on line to attend a seminar on how to double your income by just standing there. 

I would love to hear what thoughts they evoke for you. Take a look at the pictures and please come back here to comment. 

They're Everywhere!!! Generalizations

Mannequins

Human beings have something that I call "The Generalization Point". It seems it only takes two or three experiences before people generalize. If we meet two or three people in a bad mood we say, "Everyone is in a bad mood today." This is what I call the generalization point. You can use the Generalization Point on purpose. Whenever you hear yourself say, “I understand.” Follow it with two to three specific statements of what you actually understand. Anyone can say they “understand” without actually understanding anything.

Let’s say a team member says they are overworked. There’s a big difference between just saying, “I understand.”

Verses saying, “I understand you are overworked because it doesn’t seem the workload was downsized along with the workforce. And the demands from our Customers are increasing. Not to mention the seemingly endless stream of meetings.”

In the second example, because of the three statements you made, you hit the other person’s generalization point and he or she will feel completely understood by you.

Happy Birthday

Today is my mother's 90th birthday. She passed away last year, 5 days before her 89th. She was an incredible person, always positive and embracing life even though when she was 25 she spent six months in the Nazi concentration camp Auschwitz-Birkenau.  She also was an identical twin who survived Dr. Josef Mengele.   Dr. Mengele was a German SS officer and physician at Auschwitz-Bireknau. He gained notoriety for being one of the SS physicians who supervised the selection of arriving transports of prisoners, determining who was to be killed and who was to become a forced laborer, and for performing human experiments on camp inmates, amongst whom Mengele was know as the Angel of Death. 

Dr. Mengele was always looking for twins on which to perform his horrific experiments. My mother (Simone) and her sister (Diana) would try to keep far apart so they wouldn't be recognized as twins. One day as Mengele was gathering subjects one of the prisoners came up to him and said, "Dr. Mengele, I have another set of twins for you." And pointed out my mother and sister as way of gaining favors from the Nazis. Simone and Diana were brought to the back of a parked army truck to be loaded in the back. The guards who brought them there left. Then all of a sudden the truck just drove away leaving Simone and Diana standing there. Needless to say they didn't stand there very long.

For the rest of her life my mother kept the book "Mengele" on her bookshelf. If she ever felt bad about anything, sorry for her self, or upset she would simply pull the book off the shelf, read a paragraph or two and then the present circumstances didn't seem so bad. 

Thanks Mom. You are an inspiration. Happy Birthday.

PICTURE: 1941 Lodz Ghetto, Poland, from Left to Right; Simone, Arie (currently Distinguished University Professor Department of Psychology, University of Maryland, College Park) Diana

Hey Dude, Where's My Sign?

The hedge you see in the picture to the left is where my presidential lawn sign used to be. Apparently all the lawn signs in our immediate neighborhoods were stolen. Well, not all the lawn signs, only the signs of one particular presidential candidate. Never mind who that was, as it's not the important issue here. What is important is the preciousness of our democracy. My father, the survivor of three Nazi concentration camps is fond of telling me that "America is the greatest country in the world" and how fortunate he feels to be here. I agree with him. A democracy based on individual freedoms is quite special since it requires creating a framework that includes everyone with their differing religions, beliefs, and political persuasions, while not letting those beliefs intrude upon the freedoms of others.

To put it a different way, for us to preserve our democracy, each one of us must respect the freedom of expression and rights of people, whom we think have their head where the sun doesn't shine.

I find myself very disturbed during election time because of the polarization that occurs.  It becomes a war of "us" against "them" with no respect for the opinions of the other side. In reality there are no Red or Blue states. There are only 50 Red, White and Blue states. "United We Stand" does not mean "united we stand against each other". It means that together with our differences we build something stronger.

Unfortunately a media empire has been created on shows that emphasize and promote polarization. Even shows where supposedly issues are being discussed are really verbal boxing matches. No one is listening to each other and no one is trying to evolve the differing points of view into ideas that work for everyone. The election system has become a battle of marketers whose arsenal is made up of talking points, sound bites, and half-truths about the other candidate. It is not about finding out who people really are, what they stand for, and what their plans are for preserving this light of freedom on the hill that we call the United States.

On an individual level our willingness to listen to the opinions and beliefs of others is our personal responsibility to maintain our democracy. If we can really hear each other and understand the intentions and desires behind our differing points of view, we can manifest ideas that work for everyone. It is my hope in teaching Conscious Communication that I can contribute to your ability to maintain our democracy.

JOHN F. KENNEDY "Democracy is never a final achievement. It is a call to an untiring effort."

HERMANN GOERING: "Naturally the common people don't want war; neither in Russia, nor in England, nor in America, nor in Germany. That is understood. But after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country."

LYNDON B. JOHNSON: "We preach the virtues of democracy abroad. We must practice its duties here at home."

WILL ROGERS: "Elections are a good deal like marriages. There's no accounting for anyone's taste. Every time we see a bridegroom we wonder why she ever picked him, and it's the same with public officials."

A Service Star Shines at a No Star Hotel

For various travel reasons too lengthy to explain I ended up flying into Amsterdam for some UK seminars. I didn't realize it was the busiest convention weekend of the year and ended up staying in a "hotel" that was different than any other I have experienced in my 22 years as a road warrior. To call it a "hotel" is really stretching it. I don't think it had any stars. It was more like the kind of place you go with your college buddies, in fact most of the rooms were dorms. I upgraded to a "triple" room, (which was three skinny beds in a dorm room), but it had it's own toilet. That toilet was in the hall and was no bigger than an airplane bathroom, but hey, it was mine! ;-) I also had a "desk" and even a chair. Of course there wasn't enough room to pull the chair out from the desk so I never got to sit in it. No air conditioning or heat,  just a good old-fashioned window for ventilation. And it was five flights of narrow winding stairs up to my concierge floor triple room with deluxe external toilet facilities. But there was something about this hotel that was as good if not better than 5 star Ritz Carltons and other resorts where I have performed programs. That was Sarah at the front desk. She was so genuinely welcoming and helpful. From hand writing the train schedule to the wonderful greeting she gave me every time I entered or left. No matter how busy she was she had time to make eye contact and smile. I have stood at the front desk of 5 star hotels waiting for two front desk employees to finish discussing some important piece of business that must have been related to national security because it obviously was more important to them than the Customer. But for Sarah nothing was more important than greeting each guest immediately, even when in the middle of handling multiple requests at the front desk from six college students with backpacks, who turned and looked at me with an expression like, "Dude, Dad's here!"

In my Customer service programs, I ask participants to consider a great service experience and to extract the essence which they can apply to their work. Here's my take on the experience of Sarah.

#1 People make the difference even when the circumstances are not ideal. #2 The quickness of her acknowledging me had an impact. It seemed she understood there was a "moment of truth" and timing was everything.  #3 Sarah was genuine. She was not just trained to "use the guests name" and "smile". She was in a genuine state of "welcoming" and it effused from every aspect of her being.  #4 She was 100% consistent over the three days I was there.

So what can I learn from this? People make the service difference with speed, genuineness and consistency.

Thank you Sarah for making this trip special. You're a service star! :-)

Priorities in Black & White

“I could not llve the rest of my life knowing maybe I could have done something.” After escaping from a Nazi death march in 1945, these are the words my mother said to herself right before she purposely let herself get captured again, so she could tell her sisters about how they might escape. She found her sisters among the 1000 girls in the march, explained how to escape and the next day they all did.

She passed away earlier this year and I spent most of December and January living with her and enjoying her in Arizona. This July my father (also a concentration camp survivor) was hospitalized for a month with a life threatening disease. When he was released August 8th I thought I was going to be in NYC for 5 days to help him get set up. Now thirty three days later I am leaving him for the first time.

Luckily I had space in my schedule to be there for him, although even when I am not traveling there are still plenty of work prioities. Just in the creative category alone there was 5 articles, 4 blogs, 3 podcasts, and a Tele-seminar oh my. Unfortunately they didn't all get done. But what did get done is everything I could possibly do for my Dad. This included de-cluttering his apartment (a six day process), organizing his home so he can function even with impaired short-term memory, taking him to Portland for 2 weeks of concentrated naturopathic therapies, having great quality time with him, organizing home care support and a whole lot more. But today I finally had to leave. So I tagged his ear with radio transmitter and released him into the wild of NYC. ;-) And as I sit here on a plane bound for seminars in the United Kingdom I can hear my mother's words and know for certain that I can live the rest of my life knowing I did all I could. Sometimes priorities are simply black and white.

PS: During the second week following his release from the hospital my father and I went out to our local Chinese restaurant. My fortune cookie was the fortune you see superimposed on the picture to the left. His fortune was, "Forget the stock market, invest in family." So he bought dinner. ;-)

Dealing with Criticism

The dictionary defines criticism as: "the expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes ". And although we have an expression called "constructive criticism", that type should be called "constructive feedback". Criticism coming from disapproval is not meant to be constructive. The first thing to always keep in mind is that when people criticize, they are the ones with the problem not you. They have an issue with something and are projecting it on you. The second thing to do is not engage in the content of the communication. Keep the focus on them, not you. You do this by speaking to "intent" and not "content".  Intent is the purpose behind a communication. Content is the communication itself.

So if someone makes a rude comment about how you look, the actual comment she makes is the "content'. The reason she is making it is the "intent". Intent can be positive or negative.

The best thing to do is project positive intent. That means you act like she has good intentions even if she doesn't.  An example of this would be, "Why thank you for caring about how I look. That is so sweet of you."  You have now accomplished a two fold purpose. One, if she is out to get you and you can't be gotten, it messes it up for her. Second you have trapped them into the positive intent. It is unlikely they will say, "No  stupid, I'm trying to cut you down. Sheesh what an idiot you are." Instead they will not deny your positive projection and will be forced to go along with the positive direction you set.

What if the criticizer is a parent? With parents, projecting positive intent is absolutely, positively the way to go. If they say you are fat, thank them for caring about your health and well being. If they want to know when you are getting married, appreciate them for caring about your relationship happiness. These kinds of positive projections will melt a parent. Parents in general  feel under appreciated by their children. Usually when you positive project on a parent they roll over and start kicking their leg like a dog getting it's stomach rubbed. They will forget all about what they were criticizing you about and bask in your appreciation. Then you can just change the subject.

For more great stuff on parents and all relatives I refer you to Dealing With Relatives (Brinkman & Kirschner)

The Secrets of the Sexes

What makes a relationship last?Why are certain people attracted to each other? Are men and women's brains wired differently?

A BBC One series delves into our minds to find out how we think and fall in love. The results of the BBC sex survey of 500,000 people from around the globe - the largest ever carried out - provide very revealing answers. The show is in three parts, (about 50 minutes each). They explore "attraction" and "love". What makes us attracted to each other and why do some couples stay together while others part?  A team of scientists orchestrate a unique speed date with a hundred singletons to test their theories - with unexpected results. The scientists analyze the speed-daters bodies, faces, and psychological and social profiles to find out what the key predictors of sexual chemistry really are.

In terms of staying together, Lyn and Alan have bickered for 21 years and are contemplating divorce. Hayley and Jay have been married for seven years, but Jay's recent affair has put their marriage under intolerable pressure. Along with starry-eyed newly weds, Steve and Donna, the scientists put the couples through a battery of experiments to see what's going wrong and what's right.

I thought it was well done, entertaining, and very interesting. It's produced by the BBC so just by virtue of the narrator's accent it sounds ;-) really intelligent. ;-)

If you can catch it on PBS or rent it it I think it will be worthwhile. When I started this blog I didn't even consider giving recommendations, but in the interest of supporting you in your overall well being and personal development I decided to make this post. Enjoy.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sn/tvradio/programmes/sexsecrets/ http://www.bbc.co.uk/sn/tvradio/programmes/sexsecrets/programmes.shtml

Perspective: The Choice is Yours

Here's a quick tip to bum yourself out just in case you ever find yourself too happy. Pick something in your present you hate and see it keep going into the future. Guaranteed, you will feel bad. On the other hand if you see what you don't like changing, you will feel good. I had a patient once who came to me because she couldn't stand her "difficult boss". I asked her why she didn't just leave the job. She said she couldn't afford to leave. She felt trapped and was driving herself crazy because as she looked to the future she saw being stuck with her boss forever.

As part of our work, we clarified her values. (See Life by Design.) She had "family" and "education" as highly important values. Suddenly she realized her current job was affording her the opportunity to put her two daughters through college. Even better, in two years the second daughter would be done and she could leave that job. Once she consciously saw the significance of her job in terms of her values and also how it could change in the future, her boss didn't bother her a bit.

Perspective is a funny thing. It can work for you or against you. But the choice is always yours.

The Unhidden Agenda

And speaking of meetings. Every meeting should have an agenda which all participants receive a few days before the meeting. The more prepared the attendees, the more focused and effective the meeting. Here are some important  elements to include on the agenda.

1. "Weird times." (See last post on Killer Conference Call Tips)

2. "Purpose." Why does this item warrant valuable human interactive time. Remember that people at a meeting are essentially saying "no" to many other important things in their life while they spend their time meeting. The purpose should explain to them why it's worthwhile.

3. "Process." What process will be used with each agenda item, i.e. presentation, question answer, voting. How much time will be allotted to each process? "What is needed from the group." This orients people at a meeting to focus on the item in the right way. You don't want one person focusing on criticizing an idea while the real agenda item is just to understand the next step since the idea is already moving forward.

4. "Prior to the meeting." What does the participant need to do to prepare themselves for the meeting. (Thank you Dr. Doni Wilson, president of the New York Association of Naturopathic Physicians for this one.)

Here is a sample agenda item from Dr. Wilson.

9:14 – 9:34 Project reports Purpose: Update board on the following projects: Licensure effort Process: Presentation by Erin Waterhouse followed by Q & A (10 min) Needed from group: Attention, familiarity with written report (below), questions and ideas. Prior to meeting: Read monthly updates report below.

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As a Conscious Communicator always remember the meeting formula: E = P * F

Effectiveness of a meeting is equal to how Prepared participants are before the meeting times how Focused they are at the meeting.

If you want more meeting information, sign up for my enews articles.

Killer Conference Call Tips

I teach seminars and consult on how to run effective meetings. Many of my clients must attend conference call meetings because the participants are so geographically diverse. Here are some killer conference call tips. 1. Establish a call-in and start time. Make the call-in time about five to seven minutes before the meeting starts. For example, "Call between 8:53 am to 8:57 am. The meeting will start promptly at 9:02 am."

Make your times weird; it causes people to remember and it is more likely they will arrive on time. It also shows you are paying attention to and respecting time. Stick to the times. Start exactly on time whether or not "the right" people are there. Even better, block late-comers from the call. You will only have to do this once or twice before everyone arrives on time. (This is true for in person meetings too.)

2.  Allow some cacophony at the beginning of the meeting. Have everyone say hello simultaneously before you master mute them and ask them to mute themselves. This gives people a feeling of being in a virtual room together.

3. Establish a speaking order. You can't see people raise their hand if you are on the phone. It's too easy for people to either talk over each other, or be too polite and say nothing. Print the speaking order on the agenda. When you do a round and it's a person's turn, they can either speak, pass, or say "come back to me."

4. Have an agenda. All meetings must have one. It should be well thought out with realistic time frames so that items are not cut short, but the meeting ends on time. Each participant should receive the agenda before the meeting.

5. Keep group notes of people's contributions. As people speak, someone who is designated as the flight recorder should write the essence of the point each person makes (in a couple of sentences or less). After each speaking round, the flight recorder summarizes to the group what she recorded and asks the group if that correctly summarizes the points people made.  Another option is to have the flight recorder summarize the point right after each person makes it. Each participant should also write down the flight recorder's summary so they can see it in front of them. By keeping notes visually as opposed to just listening, it allows the group to more easily understand and integrate different points of view. Continue to do speaking rounds as the agenda time permits. (After the call, the flight recorder should email her notes to all the participants.)

6.  At the end of the call have everyone un-mute themselves and say good bye together. Again a little cacophony gives people the feeling that they have been together.

Reductio ad absurdum (Or how I bested a Know-it-all and had him feel good about it)

school

Here's a story from one of our readers. Who when in the sixth grade came up with a successful strategy for dealing with his Know-it-all teacher. Time: 1963 (Sixth Grade)

The official Know It All was my sixth grade science teacher, Mr. Sears. Having Watch'ed Mr. Wizard since before I could read, and having read all the science books in the kids section of the public library, and an Army training manual on electronics, I knew a lot too.

Although Mr. Sears made mistakes, he did not like being corrected by me. In retrospect asking him, "Will the wrong answer you just put on the board be on the test?", was probably not the most diplomatic strategy.

So I invented another solution. It's called "Reductio ad absurdum."

Example: Mr. Sears puts something wrong on the board. In my head I derive a next step based on what he has on the board. Because what he has on the board is wrong, the next step will also be wrong.  I raise my hand.

Mr. Sears: "Yes, David." David: "Does that mean ..(the obviously false statement)....?" Mr. Sears: "No, David" (I haven't bested him. He bested me. He's happy.) David: (Innocently), "Doesn't (obviously false statement) follow from that (pointing at what he wrote incorrectly on the board)?" Mr. Sears: "What? That? Oh, that's not what it should say."

The result; Mr. Sears thinks he Knows-It-All and student David, isn't smart enough to already know that (obviously false statement) is false. Therefore he's smarter than David. He's happy.

But wait there is more. The class is no longer misinformed. I have the satisfaction of knowing I corrected Mr. Sears without him even knowing it. He's not embarrassed. I didn't embarrass him. I'm very happy.

Once I figured this out, it worked for the remainder of the year.

Remember Conscious Communicators, it takes two egos to have a problem with Know-it-all behavior. If you can put your ego needs aside temporarily then you can do what it takes. Young David found satisfaction inside while still accomplishing his goal of correcting information and having his teacher feel good about it. Well done David. You get an A+.

Good Communication? Who's Got Time!

At a recent seminar a participant asked me, "In the real world how is there time for all this blending communication stuff?" This is an interesting question. I didn't realize I was not living in the real world. Perhaps I made one too many Star Trek references during my program and he figured I was living in the 24th century, in a Star Trek universe where human beings communicate and cooperate for everyone's greater good. I made a mental note to reduce the Star Trek references.

However my first response to him was that he must be realistic about how much time good communication takes.  By not taking the right amount of time to communicate he was creating difficult behaviors. Once he invests time in his communication with others, he’ll see his relationships work better.

My second response was to point out that blending doesn't have to be a lengthy process. The key is blending with the right stuff. It's what I call precision blending.

Here are a few tips on how to do precision blending with some difficult behaviors.

When a Tank is attacking, you should blend with their desire to make something happen fast. Anything that gives them the feeling the situation is under control and there is forward progress will blend with them and get them to back off.

When people engage in Know it All behavior you have to blend with their ego and the reasons they think what they think. Validate how much they know, find out what is important to them, and show them how your idea satisfies all their criteria.

When people act like Think They Know it Alls (meaning they don't really know), you will also blend with their ego but give them an opportunity to go along with your idea.

If people are being agreeable, but you don't know where they really stand, your dealing with Yes/Maybe/Nothing behaviors. Your blending is aimed at having them feel safe and secure and that no matter what they tell you, nothing will change in your relationship to them.

When people are Whining or Negative, they are feeling helpless and hopeless respectively. Your communication should be aimed at getting them to be specific and then to think solutions.

Always remember that good communication isn't about lots of time, but rather about being precise. Live long and prosper. ;-)

To Let Go or Not Let Go of a Relationship?

A reader writes in: "I have cut a sibling out of my life. How can I come to a resolution that I accept and feel good about without having to deal with that other person?" Perspective is the answer. Some people come into our life for a reason and some for a season. No relationship is really forever. Some relationships are not worth the time and energy they take from you and leaving is a valid choice.

On the other hand if you are not feeling good about this rift in your family, maybe there is a part of you that would rather have it another way. If you look at the bigger picture of the world in conflict, of countries threatening each other, of one group mortally hating another group, it really comes down to the same principles that happen between individuals. When people feel a need to be right that they are wronged, it perpetuates conflict. Peace as a collective begins with peace as individuals and each one of us counts.

Having the ability to make peace is a great skill to have as a conscious communicator. The ability to get past differences and polarization will serve you in many interactions. This situation can be an opportunity to develop your communication muscles in that regard.