Time Magazine Business online quotes our book Dealing With People You Can't Stand, How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst (Brinkman & Kirschner, 2012 McGraw-Hill) with advice on how to deal with tough behaviors in the business world.
Visit the Time Article here.
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Communication
I'm proud to announce the release of our book Dealing with People You Can't Stand, How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst (Brinkman & Kirschner, 1994, 2003, 2012 McGraw-Hill). The original came out in 1994 and has sold over 2,000,000 copies with translations in 20 languages. In the new version we added three behaviors: Meddlers, Martyrs and Judges. We also added to Whiners and No people and created a new lens of understanding. For a free color PDF download of the new Lens visit: DealingWithPeople.com.
The Doctors Rick & Dr Ruth
There are three parts to the Rules of Non-Engagement: Before, During and After. In the last post we looked at how to prepare yourself before the family event. In the next few posts we will look at what you can do in the "during" phase.
DURING STAGE:
- Supporting your energy
Marta told us:
"My mom loves to make cookies and cakes, and I love to eat them. Problem is,all that sugar gives me headaches and makes me cranky.And when I’m cranky, Mom and I have problems. So I’ve told her that the only time I’m going to eat the fun food is at night, so I can be fun for her to be with all day long."
Juanita told us:
"I take naps in the afternoon, usually when my dad turns on the TV to watch sports. I used to sit around all day hating the sound of the TV and wishing I could be somewhere else, but not anymore! I tell my parents that taking naps is part of my health regime, and they not only accepted the idea, but my mom liked it so much that she does the same during my visits. Dad gets to watch sports in peace, and both Mom and I feel refreshed when dinner time rolls around. It’s been great for everyone."
- Remove some Stress
If you can relieve a relative of just a little of their stress, your good deed will come back to you as an grateful family member who is easier for you to deal with.
Darren told us:
"My mother gets stressed when things don’t seem to be getting done or she’s worried about something.This has gotten worse over the years as she has aged, because she can’t do as much cleaning as she used to. So we do things for her, and turn clean-up time into a family activity. We might say, “Come on kids, let’s go outside and rake some leaves!” If she expresses wor- ries about finances, I get on the Internet and do some research for informa- tion on refinancing.Anything she expresses worry or concern about is an opportunity for me to lower her stress load.The result is that instead of a stressed-out and worried mother when we visit, I get to enjoy her company."
Fred writes:
"My dad-in-law is kind of a dud, and being a dud around company drives my mother-in-law crazy. So I try to engage him in things, take him out for a game of golf, invite him to come with me for a run to the store, anything that gets him away from her and gives her a break. She’s a lot happier when we visit now."
Tune in over the next few days for more and check out the resources at: DealingWithRelatives.com
I recently did an interview with Woman's World about preparing for the holidays, (read "Relatives!"). I reviewed some of the many interviews we conducted when writing the Dealing With Relatives book. Over the next few weeks I will share some of my favorites so you can be prepared.
The first is called "The Rules of Non-Engagement". There are three phases, before, during and after. In today's blog we will look at the "before" phase.
THE BEFORE STAGE
- Prepare yourself
A mantra to maintain perspective:
A good friend of mine, just before ringing the doorbell turns to his wife and says, "Just visiting."
A couple of sisters prevent being pulled into their Mom's inane conversations with the mantra, "She's just making conversation."
Someone else told me they put a Red dot on watch on the hour they are leaving. To maintain perspective he just has to glance at his watch.
- Seek allies, other family members who are supportive and plan together.
Make contact with other family members with whom you have a good relationship and set up signals to help each other bail from a conversation or distract.
- Mentally practice what you will do with tough conversations or criticism.
Here is my advice.
1. Acknowledge some positive intent.
2. Be clear about your intent
3. Schedule.
i.e.: "I appreciate your openness in sharing the intimate details of your new love, however this might not be the place with the kids. Let's talk about it later."
Criticism
1. Acknowledge positive intent
2. Change the subject
Statement: "Looks like you put on a little weight since last year."
1. "Thank you for caring about my well being." (then change subject).
Tune in tomorrow for more and check out the resources at: DealingWithRelatives.com
I was asked recently, "HR people struggle with the concept of Culture at a company. How do you define it? As co-author of the book Dealing With People You Can't Stand, How To Bring Out The Best In People At Their Worst, (Brinkman & Kirschner, McGraw-Hill, 1994, 2003, 2011). I tend to view culture in an organization as the behaviors both good and bad that are considered acceptable and verboten.
For example, when I did programs for Chevron, they told me they have a term called the “Chevron Yes”. What that means is you are pleasant and agreeable on the surface but that doesn't mean you agree or follow through.
When I would do seminars as part of IBM's leadership series and talk about the Grenade tantrum, consistently half the IBM’ers in the room would say “I can imagine somebody doing the tantrum at work.” While the other half of the room would say, “Oh yes they do!” The difference was the half but couldn't imagine it were IBM’ers who were always at IBM. The half that said “Yes they do”, were IBM’ers who get sent to someone else's facility. As they discussed their corporate culture they realized grenade tantrum was not tolerated. However, they admitted that Tank (attack) and Know-it-all run free as protected species.
I once did a seminar for aerospace firm that was designing planes. They had a lot of engineers on the job who when at work must be in a mode of Get it Right / Perfection. The only problem with that is when in a perfectionist mode you can study things from now till the cows come home and never get it done. What the organization learned to do is you hire a very controlling manager to ride herd on those engineers and make sure the project also gets done. However, in their case it went too far because management by Tank attack was considered an acceptable leadership strategy and even promoted.
I did a program for a software company in the Seattle area (not the evil Empire). They realized they had hiring practices that effectively weeded out people who needed control or attention at work and pulled in people like to get along and get it right at work. This was a big “Aha” for them about their culture. On the upside “No wonder we're one big happy family and we’re very meticulous about our work.” (Get Along and Get it Right). But on the downside they realized, “No wonder it’s a major miracle to get a decision made in the company.” That’s because everyone was either waiting for consensus (Get along) or studying it in further detail (Get it right).
So I would does not I would define the culture of an organization as the behaviors both good and bad that are accepted and unaccepted.
Whiner
Negativity or The No Person is one of the ten behavioral types we described in our book, Dealing With People You Can't Stand, How To Bring Out The Best In People At Their Worst (Brinkman & Kirshner, McGraw-Hill, 1994, 2003, 2011). Negativity and its first cousin Whining are particularly insidious in an organization. That's because those behaviors tend to spread like the flu through a team and before you know it, everyone is doing it. Even worse, it can become a team habit.
The difference between whining and negativity is whining is a feeling of being helpless, the victim of people, circumstances, or ironically the present circumstances not measuring up to their own high standard of perfection.
Whereas negativity is hopeless. They have given up in the face of the same thing. In fact negativity is really fossilized whining, it goes on and on and on and finally they say, “what’s the use why bother.”
When people get negative they have all the sureness and arrogance of a Know-it-all seduced by the dark side of the force. ;-)
The first thing to do is knowing what not to do. Do not bother trying to tell them it’s not so bad or offer a solution. That causes them to go deeper into their quicksand of how bad it is. This is called a polarity response. Two-year-olds and teenagers can have a polarity response as a developmental phase. And when people are negative they have polarity. (Interestingly enough when people are whiny they do not have polarity.)
So if you want to have a little fun and mess with their head then jump into their quicksand with them and playfully start splashing around saying, “You’re right, it’s hopeless, why bother, nothing will work, we might as well just end it all right now.” And they’ll respond with, “Well you’re right but all we have to do is this…” Like magic they will talk solutions to you.
Another thing you can do with negativity is harness it for the greater good. I remember a woman telling me about her husband Bob who was terribly negative, always what’s wrong, nothing ever right. She said the Cub Scouts are planning a trip to Washington DC and the organizers wondered if anything go wrong so they decided to invite her husband Bob to a planning meeting.
Sure enough Bob ripped the trip apart in generalizations but as they kept asking questions they got him to be more and more specific. Then they said, “Thanks a lot Bob, see later,” and sorted for themselves what was an exaggeration and what should be attended to. This is called giving yourself an attitude adjustment by not letting the negative person be a wet blanket as well as using them as a resource.
For more click on the "Whining/Negativity" category on the left.
And certainly the book “People You Can’t Stand…” will also be a useful resource: http://www.rickbrinkman.com/store/books/dpcs.shtml
It is also available in audio book: http://rickbrinkman.com/store/audio/dpcsAUDIO.shtml or as a download at the iTunes store or at Audible.com.
Greetings Conscious Communicator,
In a few weeks I will be attending my 40th reunion of Stuyvesant High School in New York City.
This is the first reunion I am aware of and my theory is because we were the last all-male graduating class, we didn't have any girls to organize social events.
In my time, though not my class, was Paul Reiser and three current members and advisors of Obama's cabinet including Attorney General Eric Holder. He was a senior in my first year and in fact ;-) I think he gave me my first wedgie! ;-)
I recently was interviewed by Woman's World magazine on Dealing with Relatives. I believe the article is in the current issue. Here is a link to access a PDF version or simply click on the graphic.
But wait there's more!!!
In case you haven't gotten it yet here is a 90 minute audio-seminar I did last year on Dealing with Relatives. It covers Martyrs and Judges and defusing your reactions. And speaking of defusing, while you are at the Relatives web page check out the hypnosis audio. It will defuse your triggers with Relatives from the inside out so they can do what used to drive you crazy and it won't matter to you anymore. I have gotten great feedback over the year on it's effectiveness. You'll find it all at: http://rickbrinkman.com/relatives
Athena Online, a division of IMS (Institute for Management Studies) has a tremendous library of learning videos by some of the great business experts of our time, including me ;-) I definitely recommend them as a resource. Below is a sample of the quality work they do. It's an introduction to multiple other videos of me explaining when to use email and when to bail and tips for avoiding misunderstandings.
[hana-flv-player video="http://rickbrinkman.com/blog_videos/Devil_Angel.flv" width="480" height="320" description="Athena Online - Dr. Brinkman Devil/Angel of Email" player="2" autoload="true" autoplay="false" loop="false" autorewind="false" /]
In addition IMS which sponsors seminars in 26 cities around the globe is launching "Leveraged Learning", where after the live seminar you have access to multiple resources to solidify your learnings and turn them into action. Definitely check out the Leveraged Learning video here.
In the last post I linked you to Canadian researchers who found that men were just as willing to apologize as women, except that more often they didn't think they did anything wrong.
As a Conscious Communicator it's important to know that how someone knows if they've "done something wrong" is based on their behavioral definition. Meaning these behaviors x and y equals doing something wrong and therefore warrants apology.
Actions and words - especially those words that define behavior - mean different things to different people. For example, some people define "listening" as quietly taking in everything another person is saying, while other people define "listening" as asking questions and sharing their own experiences.
As a born and bred New Yorker I grew up with the definition of "being on time" meaning anywhere within 20 minutes of the time you said you would be. This definition comes from the fact that in New York City anything can happen at any time. You can be stopped by a motorcade from the UN, stuck in a subway, or moving at molasses in January speed in traffic. When I moved to the west coast I had experiences of people being annoyed at me for showing up 10 minutes late by their definition, while I thought made good time. ;-)
Differences in behavioral definitions are a very common cause of conflict between people.
You'll know it's time to get behavioral definitions if someone says to you, "You don't ______" -- and you know you do. Reply by saying with intent, "I would like to _____."
Follow up with, "How would you know if I did ____? Clarify with questions until the other person is completely behaviorally specific. Then ask, "How do you know that I don't ____?"
For example if the other person says you don't "care", the root of the issue could either be that you are "not" doing something equals "caring" to them or that you "are" doing something that equals not "caring.
In the last post I linked you to Canadian researchers who found that men were just as willing to apologize as women, except that more often they didn't think they did anything wrong.
As a Conscious Communicator it's important to know that how someone knows if they've "done something wrong" is based on their behavioral definition. Meaning these behaviors x and y equals doing something wrong and therefore warrants apology.
Actions and words - especially those words that define behavior - mean different things to different people. For example, some people define "listening" as quietly taking in everything another person is saying, while other people define "listening" as asking questions and sharing their own experiences.
As a born and bred New Yorker I grew up with the definition of "being on time" meaning anywhere within 20 minutes of the time you said you would be. This definition comes from the fact that in New York City anything can happen at any time. You can be stopped by a motorcade from the UN, stuck in a subway, or moving at molasses in January speed in traffic. When I moved to the west coast I had experiences of people being annoyed at me for showing up 10 minutes late by their definition, while I thought made good time. ;-)
Differences in behavioral definitions are a very common cause of conflict between people. You'll know it's time to get behavioral definitions if someone says to you, "You don't ______" -- and you know you do. Reply by saying with intent, "I would like to _____." Follow up with, "How would you know if I did ____? Clarify with questions until the other person is completely behaviorally specific. Then ask, "How do you know that I don't ____?"
For example if the other person says you don't "care", the root of the issue could either be that you are "not" doing something equals "caring" to them or that you "are" doing something that equals not "caring.
Sharon Jayson reports for USA Today that women apologize more than men, but it's not because they commit more wrong doing. They just think they do.
New research on apologies from Canadian psychologists finds that men have a "higher threshold" for bad behavior, meaning they just don't see "wrong" the same way women do, according to a study online in the journalPsychological Science.
Read full article, highly recommended here
The Doctors Rick were in Blackstone Studios (Ashland, OR) this summer, recording the audiobook version of their international best selling book (20 languages), Dealing with People You Can't Stand, How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst.
It will be available on iTunes, Audible.com, and Emusic.com this fall and in stores by the end of the year.
Mannequins
Human beings have something that I call "The Generalization Point". It seems it only takes two or three experiences before people generalize. If we meet two or three people in a bad mood we say, "Everyone is in a bad mood today." This is what I call the generalization point. You can use the Generalization Point on purpose. Whenever you hear yourself say, “I understand.” Follow it with two to three specific statements of what you actually understand. Anyone can say they “understand” without actually understanding anything.
Let’s say a team member says they are overworked. There’s a big difference between just saying, “I understand.”
Verses saying, “I understand you are overworked because it doesn’t seem the workload was downsized along with the workforce. And the demands from our Customers are increasing. Not to mention the seemingly endless stream of meetings.”
In the second example, because of the three statements you made, you hit the other person’s generalization point and he or she will feel completely understood by you.
The hedge you see in the picture to the left is where my presidential lawn sign used to be. Apparently all the lawn signs in our immediate neighborhoods were stolen. Well, not all the lawn signs, only the signs of one particular presidential candidate. Never mind who that was, as it's not the important issue here.
What is important is the preciousness of our democracy. My father, the survivor of three Nazi concentration camps is fond of telling me that "America is the greatest country in the world" and how fortunate he feels to be here. I agree with him. A democracy based on individual freedoms is quite special since it requires creating a framework that includes everyone with their differing religions, beliefs, and political persuasions, while not letting those beliefs intrude upon the freedoms of others.
To put it a different way, for us to preserve our democracy, each one of us must respect the freedom of expression and rights of people, whom we think have their head where the sun doesn't shine.
I find myself very disturbed during election time because of the polarization that occurs. It becomes a war of "us" against "them" with no respect for the opinions of the other side. In reality there are no Red or Blue states. There are only 50 Red, White and Blue states. "United We Stand" does not mean "united we stand against each other". It means that together with our differences we build something stronger.
Unfortunately a media empire has been created on shows that emphasize and promote polarization. Even shows where supposedly issues are being discussed are really verbal boxing matches. No one is listening to each other and no one is trying to evolve the differing points of view into ideas that work for everyone. The election system has become a battle of marketers whose arsenal is made up of talking points, sound bites, and half-truths about the other candidate. It is not about finding out who people really are, what they stand for, and what their plans are for preserving this light of freedom on the hill that we call the United States.
On an individual level our willingness to listen to the opinions and beliefs of others is our personal responsibility to maintain our democracy. If we can really hear each other and understand the intentions and desires behind our differing points of view, we can manifest ideas that work for everyone. It is my hope in teaching Conscious Communication that I can contribute to your ability to maintain our democracy.
JOHN F. KENNEDY "Democracy is never a final achievement. It is a call to an untiring effort."
HERMANN GOERING: "Naturally the common people don't want war; neither in Russia, nor in England, nor in America, nor in Germany. That is understood. But after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country."
LYNDON B. JOHNSON: "We preach the virtues of democracy abroad. We must practice its duties here at home."
WILL ROGERS: "Elections are a good deal like marriages. There's no accounting for anyone's taste. Every time we see a bridegroom we wonder why she ever picked him, and it's the same with public officials."
The dictionary defines criticism as: "the expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes ". And although we have an expression called "constructive criticism", that type should be called "constructive feedback". Criticism coming from disapproval is not meant to be constructive. The first thing to always keep in mind is that when people criticize, they are the ones with the problem not you. They have an issue with something and are projecting it on you.
The second thing to do is not engage in the content of the communication. Keep the focus on them, not you. You do this by speaking to "intent" and not "content". Intent is the purpose behind a communication. Content is the communication itself.
So if someone makes a rude comment about how you look, the actual comment she makes is the "content'. The reason she is making it is the "intent". Intent can be positive or negative.
The best thing to do is project positive intent. That means you act like she has good intentions even if she doesn't. An example of this would be, "Why thank you for caring about how I look. That is so sweet of you." You have now accomplished a two fold purpose. One, if she is out to get you and you can't be gotten, it messes it up for her. Second you have trapped them into the positive intent. It is unlikely they will say, "No stupid, I'm trying to cut you down. Sheesh what an idiot you are." Instead they will not deny your positive projection and will be forced to go along with the positive direction you set.
What if the criticizer is a parent? With parents, projecting positive intent is absolutely, positively the way to go. If they say you are fat, thank them for caring about your health and well being. If they want to know when you are getting married, appreciate them for caring about your relationship happiness. These kinds of positive projections will melt a parent. Parents in general feel under appreciated by their children. Usually when you positive project on a parent they roll over and start kicking their leg like a dog getting it's stomach rubbed. They will forget all about what they were criticizing you about and bask in your appreciation. Then you can just change the subject.
For more great stuff on parents and all relatives I refer you to Dealing With Relatives (Brinkman & Kirschner)